You know it.
That moment when your stomach drops, acidic tears push at your eyes, your breath catches in your throat.
Yeah. That one.
I feel like I constantly have this feeling. I'm constantly holding back tears, holding back emotions, trying to hold it all in.
We're starting to get financial aid information back from colleges and every time I open a letter I get this feeling - to the extreme. Every letter I open seems to push my dreams farther and farther away from me.
In order to go to any of my schools so far, I'd have to take out $15,000 in loans at this point. This is money that I, a Communications/Art/English major, cannot afford.
Let's take Ithaca College for an example. I've been really psyching myself up to go to Ithaca, trying not to think about the fact that Elon won't give me any money so I won't actually be able to go to my dream school. Whatever. Not bitter or anything.
But Ithaca has offered me not only their highest merit scholarship, but also a leadership scholarship and has accepted me into their Honors program.
Okay, I've gotten their highest scholarships and would be one of their top students.
And I still can't afford to go.
I just kick myself every day for being too lazy to apply for more scholarships. For not working my fingers off. For not taking more hours. For not working harder.
If I had actually been committed to applying for scholarships a few years ago, would I be sitting here crying over the fact that I may actually not be able to go to school next year simply because of money?
I don't know. Maybe.
I just don't know what to do. I really, really, really don't want to end up going to University of Illinois - and at this point, I don't even know if I'm going to be able to afford to go there.
It just feels like my dreams are crashing down around me. This is everything I've ever wanted. I know this is a completely whiny post, but I am so scared and lost right now that I just have no idea what to do.
I can't hope anymore. I can't think. Can't breathe.
Life just sucks sometimes, and all I can think of Coldplay's Lost?
Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I've lost . . .
Just because I'm hurting, doesn't mean I'm hurt.
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved.
