Just be kind.

Okay back to the original path. Reminiscing on 30 years of marriage and what if anything we have learned in three decades. My mother was right. Over and over I come to this conclusion so if you have a wise mother listen carefully you will save yourself much trouble over the years.

I called her on Mother's day in 1978 to announce my engagement, we were not getting married for a few years and I didn't have a ring yet but I also couldn't suppress the urge to tell any longer. She had met my future husband only once, we met them in Rockford to pick up an automobile from my folks, one car down, two cars back. So we had dinner and headed back to Minnesota, an hour or so total time spent together. Our Mother's day conversation went something like this:

"Hi, Happy Mother's Day... Guess what?"

"You're getting married"

"What!!?? How...?

"Steve, right?"

"How did you know?"

"He's the only guy I ever saw you take shit from"

She did say shit too, even back then and she wasn't one to swear. Fast forward two years and a few months and we are in the back of the chapel, I am flanked by both my parents Steve precedes me with both his folks. My mother in all seriousness turns to me and says "just be kind." At the time I thought, "What? What kind of words of wisdom to create a lasting memory is that! Pretty lame in my opinion" Well she was right. She knew her sharp tongued, arrogant daughter pretty well and it turned out to be a challenge to follow, yet very effective.

In the heat of an argument, when confronted with dirty socks on the floor again, when the children are given the wrong dinner, if you just stop and think, "be kind" before you say anything you can change the outcome of said confrontation. Now really just thinking "be kind" isn't all you have to do the second and more important step is to apply that advice to anything that comes out of your mouth and any action you take. That is when this advice becomes a little more challenging and much more complicated than the simple statement implies. In other words for a snarky smart mouth young woman this was not easy, but something she needed.

She put those words in my brain on that day and I found that through the years they have surfaced often. Frequently when I least wanted to hear them but most needed to heed their advice. That "lame" comment has turned into a mantra for my daughters as they struggle with growing up. "Just be kind," I remind them, often on a daily basis. It still resonates for me as daily I try to be a better mother and spouse. I don't know that it will ever become easy for me but I also know I will keep trying to "just be kind."

Wedding thoughts

This is girl drama and marital advice combined. In a little over a month we will be celebrating a 30th anniversary and that seems something that deserves some reflection. I do remember parts of the day, but over all most of it is a blur, those of you considering marriage and weddings need to find a way to record everything, photos, videos, family thoughts, etc. As one of the main participants you will find that so much is happening there will not be time to observe everything much less process the information, and without digital help it will be lost.

I took out the dress to look at it and don't even think it will fit my daughter, I do remember thinking at that time in my life I needed to lose weight. I was most likely wrong. Needless to say any thoughts of squeezing my middle age body in to the frothy yards of chiffon were put to rest. But I did learn something new, don't always trust that dry cleaner. The box was supposed to be sealed and preserve the dress but somehow there is age staining so it must be redone plus the gauntlets that matched the dress are missing. The search will begin to find someone who will do it right. So if you are packing a dress away, get a second opinion.

When doing major events, plan on at least three big things going wrong. This takes the pressure off, when you expect the "Oh No!" then you aren't blindsided by it. The cake doesn't show up, or there is a bat swooping over the congregation, actually dive bombing at points, no problem, you knew something like this would happen. The bat actually made our wedding one of the more memorable in our large extended family, just ask anyone one over the age of 30 if they remember our wedding and the ready response is "OH, yeah the one with the bat." Some folks mistakenly imagined we had released a dove in the chapel as the bat appeared just as the first strains of "On Eagles Wings" filled the air. As our soloists continued the hymn the critter managed to spook the entire audience, fly within an inch of my sister's nose and make a beeline for my father's face. Lots of silent shoulder shaking laughter around the altar.

I even met the critter up close and personal 3 weeks prior to the wedding. I was scouting photo locations for the day and checking a very old building for cute nooks and crannies that said perfect photo backdrop. I followed a winding staircase that lead to a dead end, no door out just a lower level space about 6 ft square and spotted something brown and fuzzy on the floor. I thought at first it was a toy mouse, but upon closer inspection, it lost its mouse appearance and even though I was within and inch or so as I sniffed nothing moved, nor did it smell. It looked rubber, like a toy that had soft rabbit fur glued onto it a bit haphazardly. This being a college campus chapel, I assumed it was a joke. So I muttered "Some damn freshman." and kicked the little rubber toy. Rubber wings immediately grew out of the little body and an impossible screechy hiss filled the air, he didn't like getting kicked. I hightailed it out of there and ran to a prearranged meeting with our priest. "Bernie" I said, " Are you going to get the bats out of the chapel?" He assured me that my meeting with the flying rodent was a fluke, and he had been at the school for years and had never seen a bat. "There are no bats in the chapel," He assured me on my departure. Famous last words.

Well, this isn't what it started to be...seems to be a hazard of blogging, I start some where with all these good intentions and end up somewhere else. I will have to go back to my real path on a later date.