It has been ages since anything was posted it is time to revive the old keys and see if there is life left in this mission.  For today though, as it is late I am posting something I wrote a time ago after being asked about how I see God in my life.  Enjoy.

Footprints on My Soul

 God tiptoes in when I can be still and know, those moments of calm so rare amid the daily hubbub.  In pools of silence glassy reflections show feather light touches that gentle the spirit.

God slides in when I am not looking and is standing on second before I realize the ball’s in play.  The sudden stop leaves toe marks that wake and remind, this is important, pay attention, bring me home.

God skips in playfully when happiness abounds, laughing eyes and gleeful girl giggles.  Bounding rabbit tracks that glow with warmth and satisfaction spreading in circles like excited hugs.

God runs in the frantic activity that chases us daily.  Assisted by Anthony and Jude ever ready to repair and restore.  A dash that results in a path strewn with reminders that even though I forget, I am never forgotten.

God stomps in when I am oblivious, or just plain stubborn, causing crater like impressions that leave no doubt as to correct direction or path.

God dances in those moments of awe, sometimes the waltz of the Mass, ordered, constrained, yet soaring.  Sometimes a foxtrot that sets the heart thumping or swing that sends you flying, all leaving patterns that shape.

God stands in my life when I need to rest, when stability and solace require.  Those times I know I can’t go on and hope is a dim and distant feeling.  Not just marks this time, something solid to hang on to till I am on my feet once again.

That awful feeling in the pit of your stomach.

You know it.

That moment when your stomach drops, acidic tears push at your eyes, your breath catches in your throat.

Yeah. That one.

I feel like I constantly have this feeling. I'm constantly holding back tears, holding back emotions, trying to hold it all in.

We're starting to get financial aid information back from colleges and every time I open a letter I get this feeling - to the extreme. Every letter I open seems to push my dreams farther and farther away from me.

In order to go to any of my schools so far, I'd have to take out $15,000 in loans at this point. This is money that I, a Communications/Art/English major, cannot afford.

Let's take Ithaca College for an example. I've been really psyching myself up to go to Ithaca, trying not to think about the fact that Elon won't give me any money so I won't actually be able to go to my dream school. Whatever. Not bitter or anything.

But Ithaca has offered me not only their highest merit scholarship, but also a leadership scholarship and has accepted me into their Honors program.

Okay, I've gotten their highest scholarships and would be one of their top students.

And I still can't afford to go.

I just kick myself every day for being too lazy to apply for more scholarships. For not working my fingers off. For not taking more hours. For not working harder.

If I had actually been committed to applying for scholarships a few years ago, would I be sitting here crying over the fact that I may actually not be able to go to school next year simply because of money?

I don't know. Maybe.

I just don't know what to do. I really, really, really don't want to end up going to University of Illinois - and at this point, I don't even know if I'm going to be able to afford to go there.

It just feels like my dreams are crashing down around me. This is everything I've ever wanted. I know this is a completely whiny post, but I am so scared and lost right now that I just have no idea what to do.

I can't hope anymore. I can't think. Can't breathe.

Life just sucks sometimes, and all I can think of Coldplay's Lost?

Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I've lost . . .
Just because I'm hurting, doesn't mean I'm hurt.
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved.

Distractions and resolutions.

So, I know we haven't been regularly posting - yes, it was my idea to start a blog and I've been horrible about it.

Ah, well.

So, I've been wanting to do the 365 challenge for a while. If you don't know what that is, it's simply taking a photograph every day and posting it somewhere. I need to start taking more photos and even just bought a macro/fisheye lens to inspire myself to do so.

Since I'm pretty bad at keeping up with challenges, I'm not going to be starting right away, but my mom suggested I practice. So, I'm going to start practicing - taking pictures and posting them here. Hopefully, it'll work out. I want to officially start when I leave for college, since it'll be a "new chapter," you know, and when/if I do so, I'll start my own "photo" blog, since I'll actually be taking pictures.

Ha! We'll see what happens.

On how money, college, and waiting sucks.

"Sure, we can sit around and fantasize all we want about how things are going to be different one day, but this is today and it sucks."

I just came across this on a friend's Tumblr. It's a quote from the movie Easy A (which I still have not seen, despite regular self-notes to do so), and it struck me how relevant it is to me right now.

I'm stuck in limbo. If you know me, you know I'm not an optimist in any sense of the word. I look on the dark side of life, and sometimes it's helpful, but most of the times it's not.

And right now, I'm waiting. And it sucks. Most everyone I know has heard the story, so I won't repeat it here - but in a few words, I didn't get the huge scholarship I need to go to my dream school and now I don't know what's going to happen.

I want to be hopeful. I really do. I want things to work out more than anything in the world.

But the problem is, I don't know what to be hopeful for. I can't guarantee that I'll be able to even go to any of my schools because of money. The problem, at this point, isn't that I won't be able to go to Elon. I'm working on trying to convince myself that isn't going to happen, because, realistically speaking, it's probably not. But what if I don't get enough money to go to my "second" choice? My third? My sixth?

It's really painful when people say things like, "oh, you'll end up where you're supposed to be."

What does that even mean?

I'm "supposed" to be at Elon, is the only thing that runs through my mind. "Everything works out. Everything happens for a reason."

But what if it's a bad reason?

It makes me so jealous when I see people saying, "so, I've decided to go to this school." Well, whoop-de-doo, congratulations that you have a choice. I get to go where I get the most money, whether I like that school or not.

And that just sucks.

Because as much as I want other things to happen, or even as hard as I work, my future is in the hands of someone else right now, and I can't do anything about it.

Sucky Day

Tumor...such a scary word. It is most likely a benign tumor, but you should get it checked out. Well that's a DUH. But worse than the initial statement is not being able to get it checked out for 12 days. You just wait and wonder and google everything you can think of and fill your brain with worse case scenarios. It is not a pretty picture, bone cancer in the face is so rare that it is seldom a primary location. It does get better from there, but my brain is stuck and keeps checking back to that fact. We don't know how long it has been there, well less than two years, and there isn't any sign of it going back 15 years, until the current x-ray. I just wait and dread.

Then to cap off the day my baby failed to be invited into the honors fellowship at the college of her choice, this program brought with it enough scholarship monies to make the small private school doable. She had already been accepted and awarded their presidential scholarship at which point they invited her to apply to the fellows program. I am so sad for her, and haven't written off the school as she has but we need to find some other tuition sources.

So goes my day, I am glad it is over but we still must both deal with some grief and consequences so the house is not so happy at this time, and we are both starting on some stress vitamins.

Guilt

I feel compelled to write but have nothing of value to discuss. The Newberys will be announced in two weeks and I haven't read enough to make predictions. I have to teach two classes beginning on Monday and should be doing some prep. My babies are turning 14 today. Girl Scout cookie sales begin today, I know this because one of my hats is that of Cookie Mom. I get to go to a brunch today, without my children. I need to finish my Christmas thank you notes, this week. I keep unfinished projects around even thought I know they create more guilt, and seldom get finished. I really should make some resolutions for the year but finally know better.

OK, that is a post, I am once again current.