Dark Thoughts

A major disaster, and we are trying to recover. Well, I am trying to recover the rest of the family seems to have moved past the change already. It seems silly that a move or now the lack of move could cause this much trouble. I imagine this is what happens when someone very close dies, you move through your day and when you least expect it some sound, a gesture, a picture comes to mind and a wave of grief washes over you, all control gone you just sob. This is not polite crying but shoulder shaking, breath catching, grief that pours out of you and makes you wonder if you can ever stop. I cannot recall ever feeling this forlorn. I have tried, and low points are out there but I do believe we have set a new personal record. I think a part of me has died.

Amputation at this point seems a bit brutal, and as life continues around me I expect things to improve, but the dead weight in the mean time is oppressive. My children feel it, one just hugs me and assures me "It will be OK, I promise" just as I had whispered to her a few short weeks ago when relocation looked certain. Another has become an explosive device, with a hair trigger and situations that will trip said trigger abound. She seems caught between relief and lost puppy dreams, and the internal conflict is beyond her coping skills. What's a mother to do.

You put on a smile and keep working, stuffing feelings as needed to get through the day, tripping over grief waves and praying you don't get pulled under. It does make me worry, what if something truly awful happened, have I any coping skills? Someone on the radio was on their 10th cancer diagnosis, I chatted with a women whose son is bi-polar, autistic, ADHD, and 13. I know I have no real reason to complain, but I just wanted more and it was so close I could taste the sweetness. It is so dark right now it could be frightening, but I do believe light is there some where, just can't see it right now. So I wait for a door or a window, some patience, and maybe a glimmer of hope.