Tumor...such a scary word. It is most likely a benign tumor, but you should get it checked out. Well that's a DUH. But worse than the initial statement is not being able to get it checked out for 12 days. You just wait and wonder and google everything you can think of and fill your brain with worse case scenarios. It is not a pretty picture, bone cancer in the face is so rare that it is seldom a primary location. It does get better from there, but my brain is stuck and keeps checking back to that fact. We don't know how long it has been there, well less than two years, and there isn't any sign of it going back 15 years, until the current x-ray. I just wait and dread.
Then to cap off the day my baby failed to be invited into the honors fellowship at the college of her choice, this program brought with it enough scholarship monies to make the small private school doable. She had already been accepted and awarded their presidential scholarship at which point they invited her to apply to the fellows program. I am so sad for her, and haven't written off the school as she has but we need to find some other tuition sources.
So goes my day, I am glad it is over but we still must both deal with some grief and consequences so the house is not so happy at this time, and we are both starting on some stress vitamins.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Guilt
I feel compelled to write but have nothing of value to discuss. The Newberys will be announced in two weeks and I haven't read enough to make predictions. I have to teach two classes beginning on Monday and should be doing some prep. My babies are turning 14 today. Girl Scout cookie sales begin today, I know this because one of my hats is that of Cookie Mom. I get to go to a brunch today, without my children. I need to finish my Christmas thank you notes, this week. I keep unfinished projects around even thought I know they create more guilt, and seldom get finished. I really should make some resolutions for the year but finally know better.
OK, that is a post, I am once again current.
OK, that is a post, I am once again current.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Shower Revelations
I do some of my best thinking in the shower. This stems from years of having this be the only spot in the house where I could be alone. They will come into the bathroom but not the shower. It is quiet and calming, and most days they leave me alone now. Water soothes all sorts of ills and as my mind relaxes new ideas emerge,
Water saved me regularly when the kiddos were small. Most frantic days could be smoothed out with the addition of water. A bucket to paint on the sidewalk, a kiddie pool in the back yard, a day at the water park, an afternoon bath that lasts till dinnertime. Something about water puts smiles back on faces, brings an end to fighting, and refreshes the body as well as the soul, all at the same time. So I shouldn't be surprised that shower time offers more than cleansing.
My most recent revelation involves my twin girls. Twins do not have normal sibling relationships, if you have siblings and then have twins you can easily see the differences very early in the twins lives. These children are linked in a most intimate fashion, the need to please Mama, when young, is overshadowed by the need to please your twin. Joint permission is a given, you say yes to one, they assume both have permission. They support, admire, share, encourage, nurture, correct, defend, the list is endless, each other all the time. So why are my twin girls daily ready to throw their best friend out the window?
I got it, in the shower, my answer. Adolescence is a time when a child has the job of separating from her parents and establishing herself as a young adult, this means developing self awareness, setting personal life goals, standing ultimately on your own two feet. Normally this involves some struggles in the parent child relationship as the child pushes for independence and autonomy and the parent relinquishes control over the child. Well, remember that atypical twin relationship...that's it, that's why they are trying to kill one another, they don't have to push us their parents away, they are moving away from each other.
And they are in anguish, a twin is someone who you require in your life, but you also know you can't really have them like you did in the past. Yet this is someone who knows your soul, who knows your most intimate secrets, who has shared your life since before you were born. They want to be free and independent but letting go is almost impossible, the turmoil is evident in our house. But at least I have a plan. We are working to assist them on the road to alone, by encouraging individual activities, and pointing out those successes, healing the hurts they inflict on each other, reassuring them that their twin will always be an important person in their life, someone they can lean on even when they don't live in the same house or state or even country.
Hopefully the struggles will taper off as confidence grows. In the mean time at least I have an inkling as to the root of the daily frustrations and can better negotiate the minefield these twins have created.
Water saved me regularly when the kiddos were small. Most frantic days could be smoothed out with the addition of water. A bucket to paint on the sidewalk, a kiddie pool in the back yard, a day at the water park, an afternoon bath that lasts till dinnertime. Something about water puts smiles back on faces, brings an end to fighting, and refreshes the body as well as the soul, all at the same time. So I shouldn't be surprised that shower time offers more than cleansing.
My most recent revelation involves my twin girls. Twins do not have normal sibling relationships, if you have siblings and then have twins you can easily see the differences very early in the twins lives. These children are linked in a most intimate fashion, the need to please Mama, when young, is overshadowed by the need to please your twin. Joint permission is a given, you say yes to one, they assume both have permission. They support, admire, share, encourage, nurture, correct, defend, the list is endless, each other all the time. So why are my twin girls daily ready to throw their best friend out the window?
I got it, in the shower, my answer. Adolescence is a time when a child has the job of separating from her parents and establishing herself as a young adult, this means developing self awareness, setting personal life goals, standing ultimately on your own two feet. Normally this involves some struggles in the parent child relationship as the child pushes for independence and autonomy and the parent relinquishes control over the child. Well, remember that atypical twin relationship...that's it, that's why they are trying to kill one another, they don't have to push us their parents away, they are moving away from each other.
And they are in anguish, a twin is someone who you require in your life, but you also know you can't really have them like you did in the past. Yet this is someone who knows your soul, who knows your most intimate secrets, who has shared your life since before you were born. They want to be free and independent but letting go is almost impossible, the turmoil is evident in our house. But at least I have a plan. We are working to assist them on the road to alone, by encouraging individual activities, and pointing out those successes, healing the hurts they inflict on each other, reassuring them that their twin will always be an important person in their life, someone they can lean on even when they don't live in the same house or state or even country.
Hopefully the struggles will taper off as confidence grows. In the mean time at least I have an inkling as to the root of the daily frustrations and can better negotiate the minefield these twins have created.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Ignorance is Bliss
This too shall pass. That has to be my mantra.
Adolescence is rearing it's obstinate head, in stereo, in my home. At times it seems a battle to the death is our only option. It is so difficult to remain the adult amid the hailstorm. Yet I know that there is hope, as I have survived this once before. Somehow, 13 stormed through and the delightful 17 year old who now resides where I live makes me forget that war zone. Could it be that this is another "childbirth" experience?
You remember, or do you, the day your darling was born? Both the birth days of my daughters are shrouded in fog. There are fragments of the day, waffles for breakfast, walking hospital hallways, a dark quiet room, a brightly lit OR, I think there was some pushing... Then all is clear again a tiny kitten cry and a baby whisked to intensive care, or second time around two babies to hold and nurse and snuggle until they insisted I move to another room. The moments most available for recall all have babies outside of me.
This must be a protection device to insure the survival of our species, the entire childbirth experience is almost forgotten as you hold your new born. This insures we will do it all again. I am beginning to believe that surviving the rearing of offspring through puberty is a similar experience. Of course you have had years to bond with the child, this too helps in their ultimate survival, but if one truly remembered it all I am not sure you would keep future children. Your own need for preservation would force you to sell to the first interested buyer, and may be even be willing to offer monies to cart them away. As a group we might have even come up with institutions to house the unruly lot and let them take on each other instead of keeping them individually.
But nature sees fit to protect us, and when my 17 year old apologized for past sins as a 13 year old I struggled to remember anything that merited an apology or forgiveness. My brain has tucked those memories into corners so obscure that they fail to register. Just like my first airplane ride. I remember being so excited at 16 I was flying to Washington DC with my youth group for a national convention, and chatting with my dad and mentioned it was my first flight. "No it isn't" he said.
Yes it is, I've never flown before," I responded.
"Don't you remember flying home from grandpa's funeral? You were 9 or so..." He went on to explain it was a very rough flight we apparently flew through a tornado on the way home.
Now I have total recall of the events leading up to said flight. My grandfather had a heart attack and died while visiting my family in Oklahoma, their home was in Minnesota. So my father, brother, grandmother, and I all traveled together by car back to Minnesota for the funeral. I even remember the funeral procession to the burial and playing with all the buttons in the back of the limousine. Thinking about it, I realized that we had driven my grandparent's car on that road trip and had to have gotten home somehow, but try as I might there are no available memories. No airport, no flight, no nothing. According to my father it was one of the worst flights he ever experienced, my brother was sick for most of the trip. The old brain pulls a fast one hiding all.
Good thing for the 13 year olds.
Adolescence is rearing it's obstinate head, in stereo, in my home. At times it seems a battle to the death is our only option. It is so difficult to remain the adult amid the hailstorm. Yet I know that there is hope, as I have survived this once before. Somehow, 13 stormed through and the delightful 17 year old who now resides where I live makes me forget that war zone. Could it be that this is another "childbirth" experience?
You remember, or do you, the day your darling was born? Both the birth days of my daughters are shrouded in fog. There are fragments of the day, waffles for breakfast, walking hospital hallways, a dark quiet room, a brightly lit OR, I think there was some pushing... Then all is clear again a tiny kitten cry and a baby whisked to intensive care, or second time around two babies to hold and nurse and snuggle until they insisted I move to another room. The moments most available for recall all have babies outside of me.
This must be a protection device to insure the survival of our species, the entire childbirth experience is almost forgotten as you hold your new born. This insures we will do it all again. I am beginning to believe that surviving the rearing of offspring through puberty is a similar experience. Of course you have had years to bond with the child, this too helps in their ultimate survival, but if one truly remembered it all I am not sure you would keep future children. Your own need for preservation would force you to sell to the first interested buyer, and may be even be willing to offer monies to cart them away. As a group we might have even come up with institutions to house the unruly lot and let them take on each other instead of keeping them individually.
But nature sees fit to protect us, and when my 17 year old apologized for past sins as a 13 year old I struggled to remember anything that merited an apology or forgiveness. My brain has tucked those memories into corners so obscure that they fail to register. Just like my first airplane ride. I remember being so excited at 16 I was flying to Washington DC with my youth group for a national convention, and chatting with my dad and mentioned it was my first flight. "No it isn't" he said.
Yes it is, I've never flown before," I responded.
"Don't you remember flying home from grandpa's funeral? You were 9 or so..." He went on to explain it was a very rough flight we apparently flew through a tornado on the way home.
Now I have total recall of the events leading up to said flight. My grandfather had a heart attack and died while visiting my family in Oklahoma, their home was in Minnesota. So my father, brother, grandmother, and I all traveled together by car back to Minnesota for the funeral. I even remember the funeral procession to the burial and playing with all the buttons in the back of the limousine. Thinking about it, I realized that we had driven my grandparent's car on that road trip and had to have gotten home somehow, but try as I might there are no available memories. No airport, no flight, no nothing. According to my father it was one of the worst flights he ever experienced, my brother was sick for most of the trip. The old brain pulls a fast one hiding all.
Good thing for the 13 year olds.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Tomorrow is the triathlon, a second annual for the family. Only two participants this year as last year and daddy is very excited. He gets a little goofy when he is excited. It is fun to watch. There is clearly joy in his heart when people he cares about do absurd athletic events with him. Years ago I watched the same thing happen when I started doing weekend distance rides on my bike. These events didn't even require we ride together. I would do 33 miles and he would do 50, we started the route together and at some point the real distance riders veered off, we would part and would have to search each other out at the end of the ride. The first time I completed a 33 mile route and we reconnected by the car, it was like having a friendly puppy at your heels, bumping, nipping, playful and no matter how annoying you would still find yourself smiling at the antics. Tennis too brought on some of this euphoria, a silly giddiness, that prompted sweaty kisses as we switched ends of the court. It is not just doing things together, but they must involve athletics.
A week ago my eldest said "Daddy is really excited about the triathlon." I try not to "Duh" my daughters but was sorely tempted in this case. "Yes," I said. "he really enjoys doing these kinds of activities with family."
"No," she said. "You don't understand, he is really excited and acting kinda goofy."
"Yes, he is, just get use to it, it is part of something bigger than both of us so just enjoy"
A week ago my eldest said "Daddy is really excited about the triathlon." I try not to "Duh" my daughters but was sorely tempted in this case. "Yes," I said. "he really enjoys doing these kinds of activities with family."
"No," she said. "You don't understand, he is really excited and acting kinda goofy."
"Yes, he is, just get use to it, it is part of something bigger than both of us so just enjoy"
Thursday, August 25, 2011
My children are driving me nuts, "Has the cast list come out yet?" a question posed at least daily, and sometimes thrice daily, and I have absolutely no control over said cast list. So why do they continue to ask me? "Because she sends it to your e-mail." is the regular answer to that question but one would think that they would realize I gain nothing from hiding the release of the cast list and would not do this, so they will know as soon as I know, unless they are not home. Then it is possible I would momentarily forget to pass along this precious knowledge but it would not be for more than an hour or two.
Why the anxiety? I don't know I have children that must worry about something, this is foreign to me, I can enjoy life and exist for days in a bliss filled state of happiness actually pushing worry out of the way on purpose. But my daughters cannot, the seem to need to fret all the time. Even when things are going remarkably well, they will actually seek out things to worry over. Like after a beautiful day at the beach with friends, one of the girls corners me and asks to talk, this is code for I am worried about something and need to discuss it. Some minor event during our time at the beach will be front and center taking the polish off the day. I try. I try to remind that this isn't really all that important and didn't you really have a good time today? But it is as futile as shoveling during a blizzard, we must moan, and whine, and rehash the slights, and wounds, and mishaps or my day would not be complete.
This is not something I will ever miss.
Why the anxiety? I don't know I have children that must worry about something, this is foreign to me, I can enjoy life and exist for days in a bliss filled state of happiness actually pushing worry out of the way on purpose. But my daughters cannot, the seem to need to fret all the time. Even when things are going remarkably well, they will actually seek out things to worry over. Like after a beautiful day at the beach with friends, one of the girls corners me and asks to talk, this is code for I am worried about something and need to discuss it. Some minor event during our time at the beach will be front and center taking the polish off the day. I try. I try to remind that this isn't really all that important and didn't you really have a good time today? But it is as futile as shoveling during a blizzard, we must moan, and whine, and rehash the slights, and wounds, and mishaps or my day would not be complete.
This is not something I will ever miss.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
A Letter to My Daughter
Dearest,
You ask me so often WHY I love you and I feel so helpless in trying to express how much you mean to me and to my life. I know you will never understand fully unless you have a child of your own, but it is Kenyon times 1000. I wish I could wave a magic wand and it would let you feel even for a moment the depth of my love for you so you would no longer need to ask, you would just know.
We have watched you grow from the earliest days there are photos and journals that recorded the minutia. Daddy secretly called the hospital to get the test results and knew you were on the way before even I did, and he got to tell me and we both cried. That was one of the first happiest days of my life. Eight months later was another, you came into the world backwards, and blue and were whisked away before I even got a look. We held our breaths until we heard this little cry and thought then we couldn’t possibly love you more than at that moment, but we do because it keeps growing.
Each day provides opportunity for parental bonds to get stronger, to get to know this “person becoming” who now shares your life. And what a person you have become. More than I could have imagined, as a parent you would like to take credit for all the wonderful, but mostly it’s just you. We are so proud of the young woman you have grown into. Your work at school, your jobs, your college safari, all demonstrate a responsible, mature forward thinking person that leaves her peers in the dust. But more important than the endless creativity, artistic flair, and word mastery is the heart that beats at the center of all that passion and promise. It is that heart filled with genuine concern and caring that shines through even when it’s immediate surroundings seem bleak and dark, we are connected by that heart.
You have yours and I gave you mine 18 years ago, that is how I know exactly how beautiful you truly are. Allowing one’s heart to romp about unprotected isn’t always easy, there are the bumps and bruises of childhood and the rending of adolescence, but on the whole you have taken great care of mine and I feel safe knowing a bit of me is always with you. In exchange for the hazards I get a peek at what makes up the core of you, there is a light there that warms me, consoles me, fills me with hope for you. You make me a better person, by all that you are.
As we face the future together, a great abyss at this moment, know that you are more than I could ever have hoped for in a daughter, I am honored to be your mom. Know too that doubt and faith go hand in hand, during those darkest times, I am there with you and Christ is with me, if you don’t see that, it’s ok, you don’t have to, I have faith enough for both of us.
I Love You, forever and always no matter what,
Mom
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