I have six years to find a job. When my youngest two head to college at the same time additional money sources will be required. Believe it or not when I was young and in the throes of women's liberation, watching weekly protests of all sorts of oppression, I really only wanted to be one thing, and that was a mother. This wasn't something a young college female would admit at that time, well, yes many would admit to the desire for motherhood, but not for the entire stay at home mother package. We were expected to want more, it was the only way you could be fullfilled, that stay at home parenting was so passe, so boring. You would lose yourself and never maximize your potential. Besides, you could always have children AND a job, no problem. 'Twas hogwash then and remains so.

We have learned in the intervening 30 years that parenting in a dual income household is frought with problems. I know I tried it. With only one child and an amazing childcare provider but it was still challenging. I really marvel at those who continue to live that life and wonder what they choose to leave out. Sleep? Family dinner? I know there are omissions because you really can't have it all. I remember trying and exhausting my self and can't imagine how you can do it with teenagers who are so like overgrown toddlers with their needs. I am sure that our plethera of communication choices offers more options for staying in touch, but I know it doesn't replace being there. Raising childen at home is a full time job, so if you work outside the home you have at least two full time jobs, that's 80 hours of work in a good week. When I did work outside the home what I missed most was just not being there to witness the marvel of my children. It is moments that can take your breath away and bring tears to your eyes, and they are just moments, flashes and they are gone and can never be recovered. Somebody else got dozens of those moments with my oldest daughter, moments I missed, that I only heard about and couldn't really treasure as mine.

This raising of children takes time, and it is a race against the clock. What seems like an eternity when they are born becomes frighteningly short as adolescence charges into your life. Not that toddlers don't take time and energy, there were those days when my husband came home to find all 4 of us in tears, but the time is filled with providing. You are cleaning, feeding, chasing, redirecting, exhausted by the routines that make you doubt your stay at home choice. But I am finding the teen years out distance the toddler ones in that time category. They scream for it more often but when offered, it isn't unusual for them to just sulk and ignore you. I have gone for a walk with my daughter, we hoofed it for two hours before her real concerns emerged. What if I didn't have those two hours to give, she would remain anxious and that takes us to worlds we don't care to visit. I find the same is true with many issues, the child will get around to whatever is bothering her only after much time as been invested in gibberish. And the need for parental involvement escalates as well, not again that toddler years aren't filled with dangers, but coffee table collisions trade up to automobile ones. Good choices use to be all about food, and not writing on the walls, but now include sex, drugs, and abandoning parental values. Inserting yourself into the life of a busy teen when you only have an hour is almost impossible.

So I have the job of my choice but my primary employers will be leaving me in a few short years and I need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up besides a grandmother. My BC life included full time work in the retail world, and that was never my dream. Regional offices were what I held and the time and travel commitments required I have no desire to resume. So I need to find something new, six years should give me enough time to discover my other passion.

If my current life would just slow down, it would make everything a whole lot simpler.